So as you may be able to tell from the title of this little blog that I had an adventurous day. I did.
and I nearly did.
But Ill get into that in a bit.
So at the wonderous hour of 3am, I was awoken quite rudely by my stomach. Ill let you guess what I did, but Im sure you know. I prayed quietly to the porcelain gods to let this be the worst of today.
And it was!
I got up in fine spirits, a bit queasy, but I downed some Grape Powerade (go go B-6!!) and felt good. So D and I decided to get our taxes done. He went to print off his w-2, only to find it is not available now untill the 22nd. BOOOOO. They said the 11th!! Motherfuckers. So our go-buggy will not be fixed untill feb now. Again.....BOOOOO.
Annnyway. Bonds gave us a ride to Wallyworld. This was sometime around 1:30ish. D spoiled the motherfucking SHIT out of me. Im pretty sure he is feeling bad about knocking me up, thus causing me a world of discomfort....because I had to say NO to a bunch of crap or wed be some broke ass bitches. But he got me some squishy socks trimmed in leopard print furry goodness(cause my feet are always so cold, and he hates when I stick my freezing ass feet up his backside)...I got a super comfy new bamboo fiber bra because My titties are insane. My bras have quit trying to contain the wonder that is my mammeries. So yeah.....new big ass bra. New cute as shit panties with cartoony shit on em.
A new purse....which Im wondering if D has a purse fetish...That man is ALWAYS talking about buying me new purses. The other day he was goin gon about buying me a Doony and Burke purse because at the PX they are only 150. Ok....D&B purses are fucking UGLY. As. Shit. And I can think of alot of things I could buy and would rather buy with a buck fitty. Like a corset (sob) or a new crib. Or a new tattoo (sniff) but yeah. He mentioned a few times how his ex (and yes I knew her) used to sucker men into buying her outrageously priced handbags. Bags that cost more than a down payment. Bags that come with satin bags to put the bags in. Why the fuck does a purse need a purse to carry it in? I dont get it. To me...a purse is something that I put my wallet, keys, phone, diapers, juice, crackers, cookies, makeup, hatchet, knife, and maybe a brush in. I guess of all the things in the world to spend money on.....a purse just isnt one of them.
Wow....Tangent. But yeah, a new purse which is cute and crumb free. woot! Now it might not sound like alot to most of you. Wow...panties and a bra, socks and a purse. Heres the thing....Im really low matinence. Im the girl you try to buy shit for and Im like.....we need so many other things than something that seems frivilous. Also he tried to get me to buy multiples of everything. And he actually tried to get me to get alot more....hell he tried to get my ass into maternity to start buying pants (my ass aint that big yet baby!) The way I figure...if I dont need it...why bother right now. But the stuff I got I needed (aside from the purse cause I have like....4) We also dropped like 3 bills on groceries. I hate that ingrained sense of panic I have from being Poor As Fuck. 300 dollars *heart attack* I hafta say though...that new Simply Apple apple juice aint no joke. That shit is the best thing Ive put in my mouth. If D came Simply Apple, hed have a chaffed dick.
Annnnnyway. We called the cab. Waited. Waited. Waited. We waited for a motherfucking HOUR. Then the cab shows up. And he smells like he may have been drinking...With another passenger.....so our 300$ worth of groceries can't go in the truck. WTF. So we pile them up, juice and shit all under our legs....worried sick that our frozen shit is no longer frozen....and the cabbie drives all the fuck out to east killeen. Now I have to say...my stomach was pissed off. Not puking sick....bubbly in the butt sick. That hollow feeling deep in your bowels that burbles up and says "Hey Bitch! get your ass to a bathroom!" See I hadnt been going so much since I hadnt eaten hardly in the last week. And then I drank a shitload of powerade. And then I walked all over walmart. And stirred up my tummy.
Now I had dropped a few bombs Bush might have approved of in walmart waiting for the cab. Id giggle madly waiting for D to realise the source of my amusement. and then hed look at me like Id grown a third head and whisper "wtf are you rotting in there???" Well....we get to the old womans house all the fuck over there and I get that feeling that says You need to shit NOW.
My asscheeks have not had a workout like that in years. I clenched my cheeks together fervently praying that drunken overzealous anal sex didn't damage my sphincter. I promised God to start using the stairmaster. Every bump between there and home I thought, no...I KNEW it was all over. I imagined the worst. Liquid shit all over the cab. The cab staring at me in horror. D staring at me in horror. I kept picturing the girls in SWAP.AVI, and knew I would share their fate(the covered in shit part, not the eating it) I pictured that girl from GoldCup, the stripper who miscalculated a fart and shit on her customer...And I knew in that moment that every single person would know if I shit my pants. How many girls in killeen have skulls and roses on their chests? I wished I had worn a tshirt so I could remain annonymous in my shame.
Alas the poo poo gods answered my prayers and we arrived, poo-free at home. I ran for the door, not even stopping to explain to D why I had to get inside.
I have never known such relief. I feel very humbled.